Last weekend, my roommate Lindsey and I celebrated her 30th birthday in the Bahamas. It was a great trip, but she was having a hard time embracing the big 3-0. In order to calm her “I’m over the hill” nerves, I came up with a list of all the perks of getting older.
1. Say Whatever is on Your Mind – When you’re more worried about whether or not you need a new diaper, you can’t be bothered with trivial things like other people’s feelings. You finally get to let it rip (in every way) and say how you really feel.
2. Williard Scott Knows Your Name– You know you’ve made it when news veteran Willard Scott gives you a shout out for making it to 100 on The Today Show’s Smuckers Segment.
3. The New Fashion Statement: USER FRIENDLY – I can not wait for the day where my closet is filled with the same style pants in every color and the best asset: elastic waistbands. It doesn’t end there… the same goes for Velcro shoes. Brilliant and easy.
4. You Can Finally Pee Standing Up – Thank God for diapers because I have always been jealous of our male counterparts for being able to pee standing up. Jealous no more!
5. Sleep Where & When You’re Tired – When you’re exhausted, you have a cup of coffee and when you’re bored, you push through it. But after a certain age, you are entitled to sleep whenever and wherever you are and not be judged (at least, not that I know of).
6. Discounts Galore – You know I love a good deal and seniors get their choice of them: early bird specials, AARP Discounts, grocery store discounts. Plus, once you’re older you can guilt just about anyone into giving you something gratis.
7. Lend Me Your Ears – Or Not – As a senior, the first purchase I am making (after elastic-waistband pants and Velcro sneakers) is a hearing aid, whether or not I need one. I will never have to listen again, all I have to say is my hearing aid battery is dead. I’m told you can even connect them to Bluetooth now. I’ll just jam to Backstreet Boys while pretending to listen to whatever nonsense everyone else is saying.
8. Cash in That 401k – You’ve been saving all your life for retirement and now you can finally spend it! Machu Pichu, here I come!
9. Line Cutters – Now’s your chance, seniors. Never again will you have to wait in line for the bathroom, restaurants, on planes or stand on the metro. Think about it, what jerk is going to say something?
10. Never Have to Chew Again – You can finally have dessert before dinner. So enjoy all the Tapioca and chocolate pudding you can handle.